December

It's the time of the year again, where the weather cools and the reminder of yet another year passing. Time flies and soon we begin the year's madness all over again. Madness because for me, each new year brings with it a change - not that I had to change anything, but monotony is not my forte, and I want to know that I have lived my life the way I wanted it to be. I've been busy painting, and even the new splashes of color somehow fuelled my need for change, this time of year. It's not the christmas party or whatever, just the need to see something different. Perhaps I'm just quirky in that sense.
I'm a homebird, I prefer working from the comforts of my desk, my home and I wouldn't trade hanging out in a shopping complex for staying in my den. Though I do love soaking in christmas lights and colourful decorations, ribbons and trees, it brings to my mind the sadness of a less fortunate world. So christmas is not a time of joy for the deepest part of me. Perhaps I'm just a wrecked piece of work - unappreciative of the better things in life....but then it's tough to wipe my template clean from the loneliness of some. I've done my time, serving society on a paycheck and although I have good memories of those times, unnerving ones stay longer. Sometimes I want to go back, to be the hundreds that try to make a difference, yet I've lost the strength to continue there. So I do admire the social service people who come to work, day in day out, rain or shine, for years and years. I threw away my ambition and my goals in just 3 years.
So for now, I'm watching from a distance, and hoping to heal enough to perhaps go back. That is the magical question, would I? It's christmas season, and a time for giving, maybe I'll find it in me to give a little back ........soon.